I’m not sure if this is common knowledge, but it has become increasingly apparent to me that it is much easier to write when you’re distressed, upset, frustrated, nostalgic, or feeling any generally perceived negative emotion rather than when you’re happy and feeling like things are finally coming together. A sort of inspiration kicks in when there’s an outpour of feelings waiting to happen to help you feel whole again… But today, I hope to start off this series of blog posts by defying that widely accepted sentiment because I write these words while in a truly happy state. So here we go. In my book, today’s theme is happiness.
Happiness doesn’t come easily, and it certainly is not true unless there are dips and dives present in life. It’s a gradual process, and over these past few weeks, I’ve become much more aware of it. You know how people say wisdom is accrued with age? I’m starting to get that, too. Concepts that have been shrouded in clouds for my whole life are beginning to make sense.
It didn’t begin this way. I didn’t move across the country and away from all of the people and places I knew in a completely happy state the way I am now. To illustrate, here’s a short list of feelings that were much more prominent to me at the time:
- Nervous
- Confused
- Distressed
- On edge
- Terrified
- Terrible
- Horrible
- No good
- Very bad
… Also known as, for those of you who know me and the way I am, feelings I don’t generally tend to identify with and thus admittedly, do not know how to handle very well. It didn’t help that all anyone talked about was how excited I should be to be starting this new chapter of life. How was I supposed to know that feeling sick to my stomach every morning and every moment I realized how independent I was supposed to be was normal if nobody acknowledged the fact that transitioning from college to “the real world” makes you feel like you have to poop your pants every eighteen seconds? Needless to say, someone needs to do something about this.
… Yeah.
Hey, what’s up, hello (that was a subtle “Trap Queen” reference, for those of you who didn’t catch that). I’m Sue. I’m 22, and this is me candidly acknowledging and openly sharing that starting a new life on your own is fucking horrifying!
… Excuse my language (sorry, Mom).
Over these past few weeks, I have been the moodiest I’ve ever felt in my entire life. I regularly feel alone: the great majority of my friends are far away (here, we could get into how friends are always close by and acknowledge some sappy shit about how friendship isn’t about distance, but let's just not), I often miss the comforting and accessible embrace of my parents, and I started off living here and having to use Google Maps at least five times a week to get to places like the ATM and the grocery store. To get from point A (my temporary sublease) to point B (i.e. the ATM, the grocery store), I needed technological navigation. Is that pathetic? Is it a generational thing? Regardless, I felt useless.
Despite it all, don’t feel like you’re “the only one without any control in your life.” Those thoughts did go through my head a few times. You know, I wonder if people are just embarrassed to talk about these low points, but I’m adamant about starting a dialogue about it. For the sake of all people going through or about to go through or who just will inevitably go through a transition towards more independence (so I guess this means everyone…), I’m saying right now that it’s okay to have no idea what the damn hell a PPO is. You can forgive yourself when you wake up crying and sob your feelings out for the rest of the morning for no reason other than being scared, nervous, and all of those feelings I listed earlier. Asking questions is better than feeling stupid after making a horrible mistake (like every character in Arrested Development, am I right though). With time, you won’t need to rely on your phone to get to CVS. You’ll video chat with your friends from home and realize how ridiculously lucky you are to have them… And you’ll also be reminded that you have the capability to make friends. That’s how you have friends in the first place. You’ll figure out that you can get your hands on a bike somehow, and you’ll explore, appreciate, and be yourself again.
Or maybe all of this is just pertinent to me. But hey, today marks one full month at my new job, and things are just… So much better. And I’m so much happier.
You can’t see me right now, but I’m opening a beer on a bus that’s stuck in traffic.